Rollercoaster Relationships

Dear Samantha,

I’ve been involved in four or five relationships during the past three years, and a couple of them lasted about six months. In every instance, however, the men have had bad personality characteristics. This results in conflict, ultimately followed by a breakup, which causes me great heartache. How can I identify potentially bad personality traits early in the relationship, so I can avoid the relationship rollercoaster? Does the fun of a new relationship seduce me to overlook things I know to be a problem? Help!

– Unlucky Louise

Dear Louise,

Sometimes we are so excited about a new relationship that we don’t look beyond the “sizzle.” We notice how handsome and tall he is and how the sound of his laughter makes us feel, but we block out other, less desirable, qualities. If you truly want to avoid the rollercoaster again, you need to make your “must-have” and “can’t-have” lists, also described in more detail in my book, Savvy Singles Relationship Secrets.

While it’s true that opposites attract, in the long term, it usually doesn’t work at our more mature age. It might have worked when you were in your twenties and you sort of “grew up” together. But by now, your habits and relationship needs are pretty well set and you need to remember, that just as you aren’t going to change much, neither is the other person!

For example, when you meet someone who is frugal and you’re not, at first it might seem mature and wonderful. But when you get married and find that he won’t spend any money on things that interest you, it may cause problems. Or perhaps you meet a laid-back, guitar-playing, free spirit who seems to balance to your solid-citizen personality. That’s fun, until you notice that he can’t hold a job and constantly needs you to pay all the bills. Taking the time to think about what you really need from a relationship before getting involved in one may require a little effort, but you will save yourself the pain later.