Clueless?

Clueless?

Dear Samantha,

I’ve been dating this wonderful man for a few months, but I have a dilemma. My friend didn’t invite me to spend any of the holidays with his family: two grown children—a son and a married daughter with three children whom he adores. As he didn’t introduce me or invite me to join them, I’m feeling as if I’m in “limbo land.” Since he didn’t include me, does this mean he doesn’t care for me as he has said? Is he getting cold feet and wanting to end our relationship, but doesn’t know how? Or does this mean that he knows his family won’t be happy if he brings someone new into their life? There are just so many possibilities—I don’t have a clue. When is the appropriate time to introduce the person you are dating to your family? Help!

-Clueless Carla

Dear Clueless Carla,

Please know that your dilemma, with variations, is repeated thousands of times—especially during any holiday season. It is a time of wondering and stress for many Savvy Singles.™ However, before answering your question about when is the right time to introduce the person you’re dating to your family, I need to know more about your situation. How long and how frequently have you been dating? Are one or both of you dating others, or are you exclusive? The answer to these questions makes a difference. Some people tell me that they have dated for six months; yet they may only see each other a couple times a month. However, if a couple has been dating exclusively for several months and seeing each other at least once a week, meeting each other’s family would be a good topic to introduce. If you are in a pre-engagement commitment, then this most commonly would be the point when you would introduce each other to your respective families.

There are so many factors when you are dealing with a blended family situation. How old are his children and grandchildren? Do they live in the same town? Does he see them often? Whether he is divorced or a widower also makes a difference in the dynamics of the family.

If you believe, from all appearances, that he cares for you, don’t jump to conclusions about the fact that he didn’t ask you to join him at the holidays. Perhaps he was just being careful not to create unrealistic expectations or disrupt his family traditions. Since you are concerned about why he didn’t include you, ask him why. If he tells you that he felt they weren’t ready for anyone new, be understanding and trust him. Perhaps he can introduce you at another time in a more casual situation that has less tradition than the holidays.
Don’t let this situation make you miserable. Discuss it and then you won’t have to be clueless!