Dear Samantha,

I’ve been single for a little over a year and find dating women often quite confusing. I’m writing to you because you helped me a lot when I read your book, Savvy Singles’ Relationship Secrets. In it you said to make your “must-have” list, which I did. Shortly after making my list, I met a woman who seemed to have most of the ten qualities on my list. Unfortunately, I forgot to make my “can’t-have” list in the beginning, but those areas became evident, like not interested in being a Christian, and I have broken up with her. It was a really hard thing for me to do, as she had many of the attributes I was looking for.  I do know it was the right thing to do, yet I am haunted by so many memories. I can’t seem to overcome them and get on with my life. Even walking by a bakery with the smell of cinnamon buns makes me sad, as I remember the many times we laughed and talked and dreamed, over cinnamon buns and coffee. How can I get over this relationship that really wasn’t good for me?

–Nostalgic Norman

Dear Norman,

I’m really proud of you! Many people put up with things in a relationship that weren’t good just so they don’t have to be alone. As you have found, the “must-have” and “can’t-have” lists will really help you sort through potential relationships in your search, hopefully early on. I have often written, we need to have our eyes wide open to look for potential land-mines when we are dating, but once we marry someone, then it is too late to check our “must-have” and “can’t-have” lists! That being said, how do you overcome your loneliness when those memories come back to you? You may not want to hear it, but time really will help, as well as choosing to join groups to remind you there are good people out there.

The apostle Paul wrote about putting the past behind us and in Isaiah 43, through the prophet Isaiah, God said we should forget the things of the past and in verses 18 & 19, he wrote, “But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?  I will make a pathway through the wilderness, and I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” I believe that’s God promise to all of us, as we seek to follow after His will for our lives, He will indeed, create rivers in the dry wasteland of our lives.

Besides God’s promises, Norman, start doing things with people again, go to your church activities where you will meet more people, and let your friends know you are available. And don’t forget to memorize your two lists so you will remember them when you meet someone new and can ask the right questions.  If all else fails, don’t walk past any more bakeries when they have their cinnamon buns out!

Blessings,