Dear Samantha,

I have a life-long childhood friend that has become so bitter since her divorce. I don’t feel I can abandon her now, but it’s been three years and she still wants to spend endless hours rehashing all the wrong things that were done to her.  She just drains the energy right out of me and I become depressed after spending time with her. What do I do?   

 – Worn to a frazzle Fran                          

   

Dear Fran,

While it’s true no one wants to be around a person who endlessly bemoans past injustices, perhaps, as her life-long friend you can help her. It appears you have been a good listener, but she may be unaware that she is “stuck” playing that same old tape over and over. 

Sometimes we think in order to be a good friend, we have to exhibit endless sympathy. However, being a good friend also means sometimes taking a risk and confronting the issues. Perhaps you can remind your friend of Philippians 4:8 which admonishes us “. . . if there be any praise, think on these things.”

It might be helpful for you to plan ahead some subjects you can talk about. Do you like movies? Comedy or documentaries? Do you like to read autobiographies? Maybe read a Christian self-help type of book together that will encourage and strengthen your faith. Maybe it will help for you to take charge of the conversation.    

If after talking to your friend and encouraging her to have a more positive outlook, she still refuses to change, you have the right to make your own decision about how much time you spend with her. For you to end up depressed and drained isn’t helpful for either of you. 

I once read a statement that I found very helpful in deciding who I spend time with. It said: “Go where you are celebrated.” To me that means, go where you find friends that will build you up, affirm you, and make you laugh! But then I try to be that kind of friend, too.  So, it goes both ways, doesn’t it?

Blessings,