Dear Samantha,

I’ve been a widow for three years. Recently I’ve started spending time with a wonderful man in my church who has been a widower about a year. Before we lost our spouses, we were all part of the couples group at church. But now I’m worried if what I’m doing is wrong. Two women in our church intimate that I’m being disloyal to my late friend by dating her husband. Do you think it wrong for us to be seeing each other and considering marriage?

-Worried Wendy

Dear Wendy, 

Meow! It sounds as if the “cats” (or is it old bats?) are out! Yes, I’m only joking, but this is a ridiculous (and unkind) thing for them to say. It very well might be that one or more of your “friends” really had her eye on him for herself! If your deceased friend was the kind of loving, giving wife she probably was, she would want him to find someone new to love—and who better than you!

However, I would still advise caution and suggest you take your time before getting married. Being friends is vastly different than being married.

Before taking this step, ask questions to learn what your life together would be like. Do you read before bed? Does he watch the 11:00PM news? Do you like to be out with friends, while he prefers to grow roots to the recliner? Do you want an open window with fresh air, but he can’t sleep unless hermetically sealed in the bedroom? Is he sloppy Oscar, while you are tidy Teresa? That’s just a smattering of the adjustments to consider. Remember: “It’s the little foxes that spoil the vine.” (Song of Solomon 2:15)

Another important area to consider is how you will handle your finances. You may feel that discussing money seems a little crass. But it should not be. Your respective families will feel better about your marriage if they know that the two of you are getting wise counsel about handling your estates, large or small. At any age and with any income level, there are many things to consider such as Social Security, tax consequences, and living expenses. So, this is the appropriate time for the two of you to talk to your own legal and financial advisors.

Get the idea? Each of you needs to find out the kind of lifestyle the other has and how flexible you each are in adapting to another person. He may be the man with whom you spend the rest of your life, and you need to be making this very important decision with as much information as possible, before you decide to wed. Take your time and you won’t be like the widow I know who rushed into marriage and later said to me, “If I knew before marriage what I know now, I would never have married him!  Now I’m stuck.”

As for naysayer friends, ignore them. They just might be jealous!

Blessings,