Porn Star?

Porn Star?

Dear Samantha,

It never occurred to me that I would be writing to an advice columnist, but I’m not sure where else to turn. I need advice, but I don’t really want my friends or people at church to know about my problem. I am engaged to a man I dearly love. The problem is this: I just recently found out that he is addicted to internet porn. How I happened to find out is a long story, but the main thing is, he says he has tried to stop, but can’t. However, he also says it won’t affect our relationship. I don’t really understand about porn, nor have I ever seen any of it. From what little I’ve read about it, I’m apprehensive. What should I do?

-Apprehensive Angela

Dear Angela,

You should be apprehensive! Your fiancé knows it is not true that pornography won’t affect your relationship, it will. You should also be aware that you are putting yourself at a serious risk of exposure to STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and AIDS. According to the Center of Disease Control, the fastest growing segment of people to contract STDs and AIDS is the over 55 heterosexual group of people! And usually, when a person becomes addicted to porn, not only do they watch it on their computer or TV, they also find places to act it out, thereby putting you at great risk, if you are sexually active in your marriage.

I wish I could tell you that your problem is unique, unfortunately, it is not. Not long ago I read in a Christian magazine that it is estimated that at least 43% of Christian men watch porn on their computers, sometimes even in their office! The article also went on to say that usually it takes a severe crisis and the potential loss of status for a porn addict to come to his senses and get help. You trying to change him is futile and only brings out the worst in both of you. Because of the secretive nature of watching porn, people do not break free of that addiction unless they willingly seek help and agree to accountability with the counselor or church recovery group he belongs to.

You need to discuss the issue with him and insist he begin seeking professional help immediately, if he wishes to continue in your relationship. There are many good, new resources that will help him to be accountable and break free from the addiction. You also need to become educated, so you will see the seriousness of this problem and not be deceived. There are numerous Christian books available. Two of the better ones are: Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and The Silent Years by Henry J. Rogers. There are also numerous web sites to help both of you. Two sites you might start with are: www.pureheartcounseling.com and www.BlazingGrace.org God bless you and give you great wisdom as you make life changing decisions for yourself. I implore you, do not continue in this relationship if he is not willing to get help immediately and be accountable to some group.